“Single is no longer a lack of options, but a choice. A choice to refuse to let your life be defined by your relationship status but to live every day Happily and let your Ever After work itself out.” Mandy Hale
Dolly Alderton’s memoir, ‘Everything I know about love’, takes you through the good, the bad, and the ugly moments of her life as she invites you with her on a journey of self-discovery. Much like this quote I opened with by Mandy Hale (thesinglewoman), Alderton tells her readers in her own down-to-earth style that it’s okay to not know who you are, or where you’re going. That in the end, love for yourself and your friends will get you through any obstacles you may face in life.
Once again, I find myself having to thank my Farly equivalent, Ciara for bringing this wonderful book into my life. Two years ago we spent Christmas in the Galapagos together and Ciara got me tickets to see Wicked the musical, this book and carried six M&S mince pies across Ecuador for me… bless her. As you can see by the state of the poor jacket of this book, from the moment I received it, I could not put it down. So, it has visited many a beach in the Galapagos and has a hell of a lot of sand in it. I usually take much better care of my books but considering where I was, I think it adds a bit of character.
When Dolly describes her teenage years, I was transported back to parts of my life I had either forgotten about or purposefully blocked out due to sheer embarrassment. I related all too well with Dolly’s years on MSN, chatting to boys she had never actually met but that could be potential boyfriend material. In my opinion, it was all character building, but I am glad that part of my life is now in the past. Much to my mother’s dismay, I also shared Dolly’s view that I had to fit in with the popular girls at school and hang out with boys as soon as I could, I too was at the age where I needed to tell a story, something that would make me appear more exciting than I thought I was. And after this stage of life, we find Dolly’s first conclusion of love:
“romantic love is the most important and exciting thing in the entire world”
The next segment of Dolly’s life finds her at University where she embarked on a drunken journey down the M1 at 4am, where she confused Oxford Circus Topshop with Oxford City Centre. Here, I see Dolly as that friend you somehow always end up doing something stupid or reckless with, fun…but stupid nonetheless. I have a friend much like this, to name one example, George once convinced me it would be a good idea to hotbox my uni kitchen and inhale vodka, let’s just say that night did not end well… At 21, Dolly edits her first conclusion of love:
“When you are thin enough, you’ll be happy with who you are and then you’ll be worthy of love”
After reading the segment on Dolly’s life as a post-graduate, I felt ready to tackle my life. I thought uni was hard but boy was my life as a post-grad a bubbled bliss in comparison to what Dolly went through. I sympathise completely with Dolly on her dating life, there are no two ways about it, it’s hard. In an interview Dolly had with the Guardian, she says that technology, “can bring a false sense of closeness, leading to a lack of effort in real day-to-day life relationships”, which I agree with entirely. I feel this is also true of friendships after leaving university, not everyone lives 5 minutes away from each other and to remain close friends, you have to put the time and effort in. But this also speaks volumes for dating, how can anyone expect to get to know a person when we are always hidden behind our phones?
This is all really thrown into a new perspective now that we are living in lockdown and I, like so many others, am in a long-distance relationship with only my phone to keep us close. Yes, we text and FaceTime regularly, but for inherently social beings, trying to adapt to this ‘new norm’ of communicating is a challenge. And at 25, Dolly’s lesson in love goes like this:
“If a man loves you because you are thin, he’s no man at all”.
Throughout this book, Dolly also explores the previously taboo subject of mental health. At face value, this can be perceived as a gamble, due to the nature of the book – looking back at some dangerous and painful memories in laughter. But I believe Dolly executed this with great success, as it speaks out to the women and girls reading this book, demonstrating that, she went through these ordeals and came out stronger, just like every reader who finds something to relate to in her book. By the age of 28, Dolly’s revised lesson in love states:
“It is no person’s job to be the sole provider of your happiness. Sorry”.
Dolly put into writing what I was too scared to see in myself, that you can so easily pass the supposed best years of your life, actively searching for something you don’t have, ie. a boyfriend, instead of appreciating your best years, with your best friends who will love you indefinitely.
“I hadn’t ever thought that a man could love me in the same way my friends love me; that I could love a man with the same care and commitment I love them” Dolly Alderton
This is a lesson I am still learning, but I am excited to experience deeper as my relationship grows.
Now I know that I am joining the masses when I say I am Dolly, but what I have learnt by reading this book is that all the worries and fears I have and are experiencing, someone else out there is in the same position. Dolly was just brave enough to tell her version of how she did or did not overcome these problems, and that doesn’t make me Dolly, that just makes me human. Life should not be something we are afraid of.
So now I am going to leave you with the same quote I opened with, as I deeply believe it is something people need to reflect on and try to embody more.
“Single is no longer a lack of options, but a choice. A choice to refuse to let your life be defined by your relationship status but to live every day Happily and let your Ever After work itself out.” Mandy Hale
P.S. Note to Dolly: in about 5 years, I would like a sequel to see how you and all your friends are doing and so that you can guide me through that stage of my life.
The G Word 